My mom passed away when I was 16. My sister was only 8. After a long bout with breast cancer in a time when nobody talked about breast cancer, she finally let go, and I believe found her peace. She was my best friend. My greatest role-model. My mama.
I was just a girl. Over the years, I have had to navigate my way through becoming a woman. While every book written or kind words from loving family and friends is helpful, nothing can make up for the mom I should have had during the past 25+ years.
I miss her every day, still. Sometimes I’m not even fully aware of it, but it’s there. I think maybe, being normal for me has been redefined to being someone with a small, yet not insignificant piece of her heart missing. We all have our losses, and I realize this is part of what connects us as humans.
Missing, is a sense in itself it would seem. There are people who have had organs removed and say that at times they can feel that missing organ. I somehow get what they mean. I mean, I can actually feel that missing space inside me. It manifests itself in an anxious, unsettled tension that takes me over, almost as if a little alarm is going off.
It wasn’t until a few years back that I put two-and-two together and realized this missing feeling always coincided with dates related to my mom: her birthday, the day she died, the day we buried her.
June 30th is one of those days — her birthday. After so many years of not knowing what to do with the feelings I had, I decided it was time to write a song — a dedication to the beautiful person I loved. Rather than a sad tribute, I chose to make it a sort of “what would I do if you were here today” celebration of her spirit: buy her flowers, make her breakfast in bed, taking her shopping, hold her, hug her, let her know how beautiful she is.
I’d buy her a cake, for sure. Chocolate, of course.
The song — Buying A Cake — lets me do that. Because I know in my heart that when I sing it, she feels all the love that I have for her. And it was her lovely spirit that allowed me to write such a beautifully emotive song.
Happy Birthday, to my mama. This one’s for you.